The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir