[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.