Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
<—- homeless romantic
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The first matador
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.