The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.