*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
stand with me against insufficient seating
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way