ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
why I oughta
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
thanksgiving in nutshell
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that