ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
How is it still this week?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.