All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
how to market bottled water to dads
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.