I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
😂😂😂
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.