Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Ron is short for Aaronald
based al yankovic
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.