Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.