[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I have questions??
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager