Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
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[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Who chose this font
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!