Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Meow
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.