Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…![]()
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school