Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
You Might Also Like
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on