She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
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BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind