Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
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I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.