Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene