Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You Might Also Like
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
#Caturday
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Camping tip: No.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.