Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
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[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this