boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
guilty
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.