LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
You Might Also Like
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
He took my last fry, your honor
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.