Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.