The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
The first matador
sounds kinky. i’m in.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward