All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
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Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place