My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
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You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.