There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
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I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Life hack
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”