There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad![]()
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When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
doing some research
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.