*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
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Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
#growingpains
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.