I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs