Punctuation Matters. Period.
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
#StillHurts
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet