#StillHurts
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music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”