me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god