Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
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The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
One of the best
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US