Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
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The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking