Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
You Might Also Like
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development