COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Generation gap…
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.