I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
A family that plays together cheats.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
my mind
You just read my mind
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The little toadstool has spoken.
an octopus is just a wet spider