just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.