what all these pyramids be scheming about?
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jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*