jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
You Might Also Like
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Roses are red
Violets are blue
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.