Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real