4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business