i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never