Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My safe word is Worcestershire
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Ugh