who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
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My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Worth a try
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.