‘I know a black person’
– White people
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Nothing.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”