It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
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Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
british sex workers really pound for pound
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?