Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
can’t wait til they legalize outside
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down