Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !