date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
The three genders.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes