The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
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“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears