Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above