Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters