i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Siri, fight Alexa.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM